RIP Mom

Wow, how quickly things can change. 2 days ago we were supposed to bring my mom home. That got postponed because we had to change some of her medications and get more help, so yesterday at 3 the ambulance was to pick her up from the hospital to bring her home. At 1:42 my brother, nephew and I sat by her side while my mom passed away. She was peaceful. And now she is completely not in pain, she will no longer struggle to breathe. It's heartbreaking though. It's a bittersweet situation. I hate realizing that she won't be there when we have our first child, for my nephews graduation, any important moments in life. As much as we argued I will miss not having her to call to talk, for her input. I saved a recent message of hers. She rarely would call without medical questions, but this message was a simple "I love you, hope you're having a good time." Something touched me about that, and I'm so glad I will have that saved, and I can always dial a few numbers to hear her say I love you. This photo is from earier in the week, my mom all hopped up on drugs trying to figure out if the straw would fit on her face like she thought it should. Turns out she decided it didn't.

Christmas and all the joys of the season

It's been a crazy couple weeks, lots going on, lots of decisions to have to make. I have not made it through a single day without crying at least once, but it's usually more. We are bringing my mom home to our house on hospice today. I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed and nervous about this will affect our lives. I feel selfish for that, but it's a reality I have to think of. She's a strong woman so I can't help but think she'll last quite a few months, but yet, she's been so weak and has had no appetite, and without food and water your body can't go on long. I just wish I could predict the future and plan accordingly. We've planned on going to WA for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it, but am terrified at the same time. We need the break, Derek needs to see his family right now, but I am so worried that I might be making the wrong decision, that something may happen when we're gone. Who knows. Guess we're just going to take it one day at a time.
We put up our Christmas tree and got some decorations going, and we welcomed the holiday season with our annual Disneyland holiday trip. It was good fun, getting older 7 hour days at Disneyland are way too long! But we stuck it out and watched the fireworks and I cried as White Christmas started playing while California snow fell on heads. That song just gives me chills. Something about that rendition just gets me. That's been us. Looking forward to what our lives hold in store for us.

Why didn't I think of that???

So this week has been a busy week. And emotional. My mom had her 2nd surgery on her hip cause it kept coming out. She did great, next day great, next day she can't breath and is send to the ICU on a machine that helps her to breath. Not quite a ventilator, but just short of that. The doctor is talking about code status, which in lay man's terms means, 'she's not doing great, probably won't make it through all this, so do we really want to intubate and go through cpr'. In short, she's ended up doing ok, they put a chest tube in to drain the fluid around her lungs which was causing her to not breath well and things are looking up. Now, what's really got me thinking now is why the nurses and doctors didn't do some things, or do them quicker, and why I didn't push for it. I'm at work as I write this, and a patient on our floor is having a difficult time breathing. Our nurses are so quick to call doctors and run a bunch of tests to help this pt so he does not worsen. First they never (to my knowledge, all the nurses say no) did a CT scan of my mom's chest. I won't get too into it, but this to me is a huge mistake as it may very well be that she threw a PE (got a clot in her lungs from her recent surgery) And it frustrates me cause I too kept forgetting to talk to the doctor about it. Second, why didn't they decide to put the chest tube earlier?? If they did a CXR that showed she had fluid surrounding her lungs, why didn't they quickly do something about that?? And why didn't I push for it? Ugh. I know emotions get in a way of critical thinking, but where was my brain??? Better yet, where were the nurses brains who were getting paid to think?!?!?!

New Ink

I got my newest tattoo today. I'm pretty stoked as it is something that has been 4 years in waiting. I started drawing it in New Zealand, finished it this summer, but wanted to wait until I could stand being out of any water for 2 weeks. So after waiting 6 hours for my artist's gear to come in from Vegas it's finally done. I'm really excited with it so far, who knows, I may end up adding on more to it eventually.

We are finally moved into our new place, and quite frankly I love it. And although it is in Lake Elsinore I'm already excited about being closer to friends and family. I really God is going to do some awesome stuff out here, which is great cause we really need a change and good kick in the butt!

And last here are some pics from our Halloween adventures, a bit late.

Insomnia

I hate insomnia. It screws up my whole day. And with today being moving day I really cannot afford being so tired. I even went to bed early, really who goes to sleep at 930? But I was that tired, so I looked forward to a nice long good night's rest and ready to face the day ahead of me. My body decided that 4-5 hours it's gotten used to was enough, so just after 2 I was wide awake. Now I'm sleepy but just keep tossing and turning. Sure enough 6 will come and I'll be ready to crash out, but nope, that's when I'll have to get up and spend all day finishing packing and moving boxes and appliances. Ugh.
This past week on the other hand has been lots of fun, the calm before the storm so to speak. Last weekend was a couple Halloween parties so Derek and I got dressed up as a Bavarian couple and headed out with my friend Nikki from work. I must say I was so proud of myself for our costumes. I had a dirndl top I bought from Austria and added the rest from my own closet. I actually had to make Derek's leiderhosen, which despite how silly he felt, I think turned out remarkably well! Unfortunately I will have to wait to upload those pics until after the move. I had a great time hanging out with work friends and dancing the night away. Derek loved all the sports that were on, however isn't so fond of dancing, so after the UFC fight was over, he got a bit bored. Overall it ended up being a good night for all. After working the following days Nikki and I made a point to hit up the Ducks/Redwings game. I will say being a Redwings fan, but just a hockey fan, it gets very dissapointing watching the Ducks win. True the Ducks do have quite a few good players and overall aren't too bad, but I just can't get over the idea that they're a disney team. Don't get me wrong, I love Disneyland and all that, but how can you take a sports team that was created after a Disney movie seriously?? And to have them beat my beloved Wings, in OT?? Ugh. Well, there's another game in Jan we're already planning on, so hopefully I'll be able to be a proud fan and celebrate a victory at that time!

Moving next week

So we're moving next week to Elsinore. I spent so much time trying to get out of there, and here I am 5 years later, moving back. We've got an apt for now, we'll see where God is going to lead us. There are a couple things I am really looking forward to; being closer to some friends, and my bro and nephew, a church Derek and I both really like and getting more involved in that, and closer to the mountains for the winter. So there are good things, just so hard when you're moving from a nicely landscaped area near the beach to an apt with "a view" of a dirt field. So. Derek and I are both looking forward to getting tattoos soon, probably not the smartest idea right now but we decided it's our anniversary presents to each other. My mom has been up and down, was doing well, popped her hip out not once, but twice and so now is a brace. If that doesn't work they may need to go back in and do surgery. And Derek has decided not to go to the school he was planning on, so onto figuring that out. That's us, who knows, we may end up buying a place in Murrieta and settling down out there!

Update on my mom...and life

So those who are on myspace (who isn't anymore) probably already know my mom broke her hip and yesterday had surgery. She did pretty well, doing even better this morning. It's going to be a long recovery process but she's a tough cookie. The surgery was scary because of all her respiratory problems they weren't sure if she would easily come off the ventilator, but she did just fine. Being a nurse (and a bit of a pessimist) I first considered the worst options, I need to learn not to do that! So, that's that, we're going to see how she does and figure life around that. About us moving. We gave our 30 day notice to our apt, however we don't know where we're going to move to. We have considered moving in with my mom, which all around isn't a great idea except for the fact we will be there CONSTANTLY, even that isn't a good thing. The apt in Temecula didn't work out, alway ask about big dogs, regardless of the amount you know already live there. So we're looking into a few places in Elsinore. It's all going to come down to what's available in the next couple weeks. I also have a ton of stuff for work coming up that I am not excited about, and life still happens.

when life gets tough...make cartoons of yourself!

So as if we were not posed with enough issues coming up, we just found out my mom's chemo treatments are not completely paid for, and unless she (we) can come up with $900 every 3 weeks, she might not recieve treatment. Very frustrating. I know somehow everything will work out, there are a few possible options out there that we're looking into, it's just another worry we don't need. Thank God for a very patient, optimistic, calm and understanding husband I have that is so level headed. When all this comes at us and I can't think of anything to do but cry, he is so loving and knows how to calmly walk me through everything and remind me there is a light at the end of the tunnel, may be a long tunnel, but there is an end and it will all be ok. So that is my rant. Oh, on top of it, I set a day out to hang out with my great friend Malia and went to Disneyland (sorry no pictures). We had a great time and perfect way to end my few days off, then someone rear ended me on the way home. SERIOUSLY??? anyhow, I'm ok, but another dent in Derek's car, that thing is cursed. Fun thing: the other day I copied Megh and made some little peoples of Derek and I. We're pretty cute in cartoon world.

Coming next month....new life

So October is going to be a big, no, huge month for us. A few changes. Not only is it our 1st anniversary (YAY) but I will be taking 0n a new, 2nd, job, Derek starts school full time, and will that go down to part time, at a different store because we will also be moving! We have talked about it a bit and finally made a decision tonight. We had discussed being closer to my mom but neither Derek nor I wanted to move to Elsinore, nor in with my mom. As much as it would help us save money, we'd lose our insanity and as long as we can make it on our own, we will. Visiting with some friends in Temecula a simple comment of "this place is nice, why don't we move here?" turned into looking at a vacant apt, and now our decision to move the end of next month. Crazy how life works, but I think it overall will be better for us in the end, and for my mom. With my moms house on the way home from Derek's school, it will make it easier for him to stop by and check up on her during the week and only 20 min away I can go visit and help her more and not have it be an all day ordeal. I'm excited. And nervous. And I can get a job at a hospital out there per diem and that too will give me a chance to check it out and decide if I might want to work out there full time or continue to commute to mine out here. Ok, time for bed!

A pleasant surprise

Most people have something they're good about doing, and areas they lack. My husband is a godsend when it comes to massages, there is an overabundance. However, he definitely lacks in housekeeping skills. He will do the minimum he has to after I have asked him. So when I got home last night to find our house cleaned up, the bedroom picked up, the bed was even made, whole house vaccuumed and a quite a few loads of laundry done, I was a happy wife. For some of us this is just weekly, or daily, chores. But for my husband it was a huge accomplishment, and it made it even sweeter that it wasn't something I had asked of him or expected. See, I'm not hard to please, just need to find the right things to do. Now to figure out a way to show my appreciation :-)

Support boobies!

So this weekend was the Avon 2 day walk for breast cancer. I had done the walk, 2, or 3? times before, but this year I worked as medical crew member. Such a different experience but awesome none the less. At first I didn't feel as valuable as I had as a walker. The whole purpose is to gain attention and funding for breast cancer research and treatment, and done through thousands of people raising a significant amount of money then vowing to walk 39.some miles (or as much as they can). It is an amazing feat and takes a ton of time, energy and dedication. As much as the finances are a huge priority, that is not the rewarding part. The rewarding part is crossing that finish line, going down the victory tunnel and knowing that what you're doing is going to make a difference in someone's life. May not mean finding a cure, but if seeing a sea of pink walk by reminds one woman to get her mammogram, that could potentially save a life. And that may be just the minimum effect. Hopefully someday all of our and others' hard work can lead to a cure, or better treatment to save not only one person's life, but millions of peoples lives. Doing crew was different, you don't experience that bond with all those walking. It got me down at first. But then I remembered how valuable the medical crew was to me during my walks, and everyone else. Granted, if it wasn't for the walkers, Iwould have no need to be there. But if it wasn't for myself and all the other crew people, medical, food service, clean-up, everyone who volunteered their time, the walkers couldn't do it all either. Each blister I popped and knee I wrapped and iced may not have meant much, but it makes a difference when it helps make those miles a little easier than they would have been had I not been there. I have already signed up for next year, and look forward to it. And I am even happier to say that Derek is signed up to walk for next year, so look forward to supporting him to raise funds!! I am so glad he's doing it